Taking a deep breath

Today has been such an easy day. I love Saturdays cause it means I get to sleep in and basically do what I want to do. Gary is home all day so he gets to look after the boys.

It is so great having the land we do. We can send the boys outside to play without worrying about who is stopping at the fence or is the gate shut etc. I would never be able to settle if we were on a suburban block. Well I might be able to but I doubt the boys would have outside play :D Same reason why we don't have a pool while they are young. I would be paranoid the entire time and never have any peace.

And thinking about peace brings me back to God. For many many years the biggest struggle I have had is finding peace. I've prayed about it, meditated on it, read as many passages in the bible as I could find determined to find peace but really never did find it. I sometimes touched the edge of it but never long enough to grab it. But this year, I have finally achieved it.

In May, I had an operation that went wrong so badly I ended up in intensive care for 5 nights. I was on a respirator for 24hrs after having to be intubated during an emergency surgery the night after the original surgery. I woke up in ICU with this tube down my throat, tubes up my nose and coming out of my chest. I was terrified. I knew that I was close to dying. You know how some things you just "know", well I knew this without a doubt. I tried to pull the tubes out but the nurses were prepared for that. I spent hours writing on a piece of paper "please". Just that one word. The nurses knew what I was asking - for the tube to be removed - but of course it couldn't be cause at that moment, it was helping me breathe. For 4 days I had tormenting dreams and the worse part was smelling horrible smells that everyone kept telling me weren't there. On that 4th day it was just too much and I cried out for God. I just said "please God make it all stop" and it did. As quick as a snap of fingers, the torment stopped and from that moment I knew I was going to survive. At that moment I felt at peace. I knew God has listened and answered. Two nights later I was back on the normal ward and two days after that I was released from hospital much to the medical staff's astonishment. I remember the day before I went home, I had at least a dozen nurses and doctors come into my room to see for themselves because they couldn't believed I was even dressed in normal clothes let alone up and walking, talking and smiling at everyone :D

That peace that God gave me, I still feel today. Some days its a bit bogged down with daily struggles but when I remember to stop, take a deep breath and look, its right there waiting for me. I am so thankful that what I searched for, for so many years, I have finally found it.

Oops need to go, Cam has woken up and is crying.